Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts

Friday, February 22, 2019

when the data doesn't know your name


It’s overcast today, which seems quite representative of how everyone around here is feeling. Yesterday, a little boy died who shouldn’t have.

He was extremely ill and needed more intensive care, and the staff at the clinic knew it. They told his mom that the child should go to the hospital right away. They handed her a referral note and when mom asked how soon the ambulance would arrive they simply said: the ambulance only comes for maternity cases.

It’s a phrase I hear regularly these days as this is the new policy. One of the most reckless public health initiatives I’ve encountered in my 12 years, I don’t know who specifically wrote the new ambulance rule, but it’s maddening. Patients (who are not pregnant) needing the hospital (25km away) are expected to stand on the side of the road and pray someone picks them up, which is doable if you are sniffling or in need of a mere consultation, but absolutely insane if you are unconscious or actively dying. Family members trying to save their loved ones often rush to our home where they speak the words, “maternity only,” leaving us to decide whether to pick up the government’s shirked responsibility – or not.

Not that it changes anything, but at least we know where the policy came from - just follow the money. The vast majority of funding in the health sector right now is targeted at MCH – maternal & child health. Zambia’s statistics are more than embarrassing when it comes to birth outcomes for both mothers and newborns and the influx of money is specifically meant to change that. So long as numbers stay happy and programs are deemed successful, the money keeps flowing which creates huge incentive for health departments to push systems that please the funding source – at whatever cost.

In Zambia, MCH is the priority of today which means that if you are neither pregnant nor post-partum, you are quite literally not the priority. This narrow emphasis has meant that emergency medical services – such as ambulances – have been reserved primarily for maternity cases in an attempt to save all the women in labor… at the expense of everyone not in labor.

The father of the sick boy rushed to our house and begged for help. I explained that while we would normally take him, Jeremy was in Lusaka with the vehicle and that he needed to push the issue with the nursing staff and remind them that an emergency is an emergency – maternity or not. He shrugged his shoulders in a way that resonates with how I usually feel when talking to government workers: preemptive defeat. He turned and slowly walked back – not rushing, since there was no where to rush off to. I shrugged also, mirroring his sadness and simply murmuring in his general direction, this sucks.

Four, short hours later, the sounds of mourning grew audible and the little boy died while an ambulance somewhere sat waiting for a “priority” case to call.

Wavering between acceptance and rage, I called Jeremy and talked/screamed/wept into the phone. We invest so much into community health, give me one reason why we should keep doing so while the people who can save the lives won’t!  The steady voice on the other end reminded me that the clinic staff are just following orders from someone above them – probably from someone who doesn’t care either, but is also following orders – orders from someone who is probably not in this country and whose paperwork keeps them detached from localized pain.

Fighting for women’s health might include reserving life-saving resources for mothers in need but truthfully I don’t think the woman burying her child today feels any bit of solidarity in this fact.

The ambulance policy is just one piece of a much larger MCH package by which women and children are being victimized for the sake of better outcomes on paper. Along with the promise of an always-available ambulance, our village received a “mothers shelter” which is a waiting house for women who live far and need a place close to the clinic to stay while awaiting childbirth. The concept makes great sense. On paper. But after the NGO seconded the building to local staff, the warm and welcoming maternity “shelter” soon became a concrete and controlling maternity “jail.” All women – even those who literally live across from the clinic ­– are required to move into the shelter a minimum of a month before delivery. If a mom goes into labor without having slept in that shelter, she is issued a fine. If the fine is not paid, the child’s immunizations are withheld until she pays.

Awesome. (insert face palm) 

Women loathe the shelter because they are consistently under-fed and constantly worried about the children they have left unattended at home. Many resort to using herbs and traditional “medicines” to induce labor – the only hope of jail break.



Apparently the only way we can improve delivery outcomes is to hold mothers hostage. After all, according to clinic staff, “You know how these women are.” Actually yes, yes I do, I know quite a lot of them, and they would love a safe and competent delivery in a place where they are treated with dignity and respect. And what’s happening here is not that. I was once asked by a regional MoH official why I chose to birth my children in America instead of at our local clinic and I couldn’t find any words for him other than, “are you serious?” The disconnect is unreal.

I have two friends who delivered babies in the last month. One mom, six weeks after moving into the mothers shelter delivered a baby that only lived a few hours. Mom had torn significantly during labor but the attending nurse, wanting either to protect herself or to avoid recording the infant’s death, decided to handle the stitching on site. For three weeks, mom was refused discharge while “waiting for her swelling to go down.” Finally the family demanded referral. Transporting her home from the hospital, I asked what the OB-Gyn had said. Sitting on her left hip and staring blankly out the window she answered, “he asked who the hell did this to me.” I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, stewing on how I’m sure my friend must be so glad to have spent two months in maternity prison only to walk away empty handed and unable to sit.

I ran into another mom-friend crying outside the shelter. Her eldest, a three year old, had fallen into a fire and been terribly burnt. With mom gone at the mothers shelter and without a consistent person to watch him, the boy had been neglected and seriously injured. I encouraged her to go home and take care of her son, reminding her that she could come back if she went into labor. Wiping tears from her eyes she explained that she couldn’t leave because she wouldn’t be able to pay the fine. Realizing she wasn’t going to take my anarchist advice and just walk out, I told her I’d look after her boy’s burn care. With every dressing change, listening to him scream for his mommy, I felt both their pain. A few weeks later, mom went into labor and this baby too did not live. She went home to her burnt child, and wept bitterly for days.



Every funeral feels like emotional deja vu and I yell into the phone at Jeremy who is missing all this while enjoying ice cream in the capital, Is this what “saving mothers” looks like? Systemic violence and denial of agency, and still, the children die? I don’t believe for a moment that the public health experts want this. I’ve seen their shiny white pick-ups arrive for data collection, occasionally accompanied by a researcher from the US, looking very “fresh-out-of-Michigan-in-the-winter-white.” Brilliant minds have rallied around the challenge that is improving maternal & child health and their skilled research is meant to drive productive change. The data says “do this,” so the money creates systems to “do this” and the people on the ground are told they’d better “do this” – but I’ve attended three baby funerals in the last month and something here seems remiss.

And maybe, today, the people who call the shots and cut the checks are staring down at papers and not people, and they are looking at numbers and not names, and they will produce P scores that say this is all ok because, “on average,” the initiatives are working. But 184 villagers will gather around another little coffin tonight, and a mother will bring her burnt child to me for a fresh bandage, and a young woman will wince as she gingerly sits on a wooden stool, and none of them have the luxury of knowing where their stories fall on the scatter-graph. 

I don’t believe that the researchers who are driven by faceless data and impersonal  indicators are evil or that they hate women, but I don’t think they hear the stories that matter either. “Data,” as compared to living, breathing humans are two different sources of information and the unspoken confession of the NGO world is that data is just less messy to handle.

Sometimes, I’m frustrated by our search for funding to make our work go farther and deeper only to hear, “you’re too small.” Really? And by too small you mean too intentional? Too compassionate? Too relational? I get your math and what you mean by “efficient,” but my moral compass won’t lead me down that path. The individuals matter. The Big Numbers will win the Big Grants, but neither will feel the weight of grief resting on this village today. A small body will be lowered into the ground and the data capturers of Big Aid will take no responsibility because they didn’t even know his name.







Raphael.

His name was Raphael.






Thursday, November 27, 2014

letting the hard prompt our thanksgiving

I’ve been a little absent from the blog world as of late.

Short answer – I’m tired.

Explanation – I’m pregnant.

I’ve been living on a tilt-a-whirl eating nothing but gym socks while being forced to listen to Justin Bieber on repeat for more than 8 weeks now. Every time I’ve thought about blogging, I’ve realized I have nothing positive to say – nothing inspiration or whitty or shareable because once you are on there is no getting off the tilt-a-whirl.

And yet when I get like this I’m always reminded of the things I’ve learned from my good friend Ann. I’ve never met my good friend Ann, but I’ve told Jeremy many times that I want to move to Canada to live next to Ann because, well, that little book she wrote a while back – that New YorkTimes Best Seller – has perhaps been the most significant book in my spiritual formation of the last half decade and this makes me want to sell all and become and pig farmer and homeschool and chase moons just to spend time with thiswoman who taught me the discipline of gratitude.

The greatest lesson I’ve learned from Ann and the discipline of thanksgiving is the importance of giving thanks in the hard. To take the things which are less than ideal and use them as prompts for today’s – and every day’s – Thanksgiving. I knew today that I needed to do this for my own sake – to take my laundry list of hard and transform it into gratitude. And when I was all done I thought maybe I’d go ahead and share it with you all, because maybe on this day of Thanksgiving, maybe you need to do the same.

Italicized whiny prompts are followed by bold declarations of thanks. I’m confident you’ll get the idea. May this inspire you to sit and eat your turkey and when its your turn at the table to say what you are thankful for – may you not give a canned answer of “I'm thankful for my family and friends” but may you use the hard prompts to choose transformative gratitude, and be blessed.

~~

I’m tired or being tired. Thank you for naps and that I really am still logging a good number of hours at night.

She's so perky. I'm so jealous.
I’m travel weary. Thank you that we’ve made all of our connections and have had vehicles to use in between.

mmhm. we made it.
I’m pretty done with living out of a suitcase and always sleeping in other people’s homes. Thank you for the true abundance of hospitality we have experienced in the form of food, beds and friendship.

THIS is hospitality.
I’m bored to tears with giving the same presentation over and over… and over. Thank you for the overwhelmingly positive responses we’ve received time and time again.

I like to call this picture "death by furlough" 
I’m sick of throwing up. Thank you that there is a healthy growing baby inside of me, and that I have been able to keep every speaking engagement despite the nausea.

I'm smiling, but I feel like this on the inside.
It’s winter now and I’m part African and therefore freezing cold. Thank you for the kind souls that have given us sweatshirts and/or turned on their heat.

At least it stayed warm long enough for us to play outside!
And a few more for which there are no pictures...

I’m tired of having pregnancy brain and not being able to think. Thank you for grace in the moment – lifting the fog long enough to let me answer a question intelligently or for plugging people’s ears when I clearly can’t think any more.

I’m through with spending/talking about money in this crazy country. Thank you for the money we have raised. Thank you for meeting our needs and giving us confidence in the vision you’ve placed on our hearts.

I’m tired of missing “home.” Thank you for the ability to skype with Zambia and for the amazing fellowship of the amazing people that have loved on us here.

I’m exhausted from worrying about Jeremy’s departure. (This is the hardest one, because I’m still worrying about it. Jeremy goes back to Zambia on Tuesday and Bronwyn and I return to New York and I’m weepy and confused about how we are going to cope. I’m having to dig deep to find any gratitude regarding this upcoming separation.) And still, thank you that there is a work happening in Zambia worthy enough of our time, attention, and even our separation. Thank you for cell towers that allow us to call each other. Thank you for a safe place for Bronwyn and I to stay while I finish growing this baby.



HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

the culture of motherhood: peeing on sticks

Ok confession time for all the moms – raise ‘em up if you’ve…

a)  googled the phrase “what’s the earliest I can take a pregnancy test”
b) taken a pregnancy test before reaching four weeks
c) bought some form of baby paraphernalia the same day as taking a positive pregnancy test

No judgement, me too. 

Especially for  women who have been trying to conceive, that typical two week wait before “finding out” might as well be an eternity. Even the possibility of having a baby is kind of a big deal and the need to know (and to know NOW) can be all consuming. 

It’s also rather cultural. While early and rapid pregnancy testing is certainly not an “American” thing, it is a first-world/wealthy-people thing. In rural Zambia, pregnancy testing happens a little bit differently.

Most of my neighbor ladies get the news that they are pregnant when that bump starts to appear and when caterpillars and fish finally start to smell gross. Only a percentage of women have the opportunity to miss their periods – cycles are so influenced by extended breastfeeding that many go from nursing to pregnant to nursing to pregnant without ever receiving a visit from aunt flo. Those whose periods have returned since their last child are not used to charting cycles or jotting down the first day of the LMP which eliminates thinking about probably dates of conception.

The general attitude towards "am I pregnant???" amongst my neighbor ladies is, “If I’m pregnant, I’m pregnant. And if I’m not, I’m not.” 

Rational. Accepting. Calm.

This is a far cry from the American woman rushing to the drug store, buying a test, pacing around the bathroom waiting to see the magical line appear, and then basing her entire emotional state on the result. From the percentages listed on the box assuring accuracy 5 days, 4 days, 3/2/1 days before a period is missed, its pretty clear that the pregnancy test manufacturers know that we simply CAN. NOT. WAIT. And for the most part, they're right. 

I’ve never explained this process to my neighbor ladies – I don’t care to furnish them with any more evidence that Americans are high strung. But I can hear their rebuttal now:   

“So you just needed to“know”… know what? Know that your body is producing hormones? Know that your chance of miscarrying is now one in four? You want to get all hyper just to be devastated if you loose it all in 48 hours? If you are going to carry the baby to term, God is in charge of that – no magic stick can predict the future. This is silly. Just chill.”



I’m sure that if my neighbor ladies knew more about the typical American pregnancy, they would aptly point out the thread of impatience strung through the entire process: in needing to know whether we are pregnant, in clinging to a due date; in reacting to wrong due dates with induction; in compulsive re-checking for dilation; in ripping the baby out when it takes too long. “Tsk, tsk, tsk. Ya’ll just can’t wait for anything, can you?”

Having had two miscarriages, and having tested too early on a dozen other occasions, I have to agree with my neighbor ladies that the over-priced, over-hyped pregnancy tests really aren’t worth more than the box they are sold in. They provide us with a false sense of security and a misplaced charge to start planning for what is, in reality, a rather unforeseeable future. And what’s worse, they set in motion the emotional characteristics of an unsettled, impatient, reactionary journey of motherhood.

Having absorbed at least some Zam-woman wisdom in recent days, Jeremy and I made a decision to cool it significantly after our last attempt to conceive. If we were pregnant, my body would let us know. And if we weren't, my body would let us know that too.

When I was three weeks late, throwing up and crying over insurance commercials, I looked at Jeremy, pukey and weepy and said, “who needs a pregnancy test?” We laughed, I threw up, and we continued on our merry, trusting way.

Now at ten weeks, having seen a heartbeat, we are being wise in making plans for the future, hoping in God’s good intentions for our family. We are certainly not living in an ignorant land of que sera sera. But we do notice an emotional shift now in this pregnancy, distinctive from that of previous – not presuming to know more than we do or extend our certainty/anxiety/hyper-activity beyond the bounds of what we know TODAY.

this is what we know.
Neighbor ladies – you’re right more often than you give yourselves credit for. Thank you for being beautiful pregnant women, for teaching us to listen to our bodies, and for doing it all with such calm and trusting spirits.

Friday, April 6, 2012

overdue. (the post, not me)

I'm cheating, big time, and putting these pictures up two weeks AFTER deliver. Shame shame Bethany blogger. Oh well. The last several weeks of pregnancy were more or less nesting, as is to be expected. Jeremy and I had to-do list after to-do list which we checked off and worked through and tried to square away in order to feel ready. I grew increasingly tired and achy. I don't think I did any real work out for the last month. Just some strolling outside during unseasonably warm weather. We got our room ready to receive a baby, which involved packing up pretty much my entire childhood into rubbermaid tubs and moving it all to the basement and replacing the newly cleared space with all things baby. 

One of the things that I had been waiting to do all pregnancy long was to take some maternity pictures in honor of THE BELLY. I figured that there is not a lot of glamour in being pregnant, unless you dress up that belly and give it a proper debut. I wanted to wait until 38 weeks figuring that that would give the maximum effect on the belly shots. The top pic here is reflective of our weekly shot in front of the grid. The others were from our backyard shoot. I'm incredibly thankful that we took these pictures when we did because I ended up going into labor the following weekend. 

Oh pretty belly, I kind of miss you... 






Sunday, February 19, 2012

2 observations

I have two random observations.
1) How is it that older women who have had multiple children can still forget that gestation is 40 weeks? I can't tell you how many times in the last month or so someone has asked me how far along I am and then obviously struggled to figure out how much longer I have to go - Me: "I'm 33 weeks." Respondent: "Oh, so you have a few months left." Really? Me: "I'm 34 weeks today." Respondent: "Great! So you have.... um.... how many weeks... um." Me: "6" Respondent: "Right, 6. Whew, getting down there!" Um, yeah.
I don't mind, but it is a little bizarre to me considering how fixated I am with the weekly schedule and knowing exactly where I am. I can tell you the trimester breakdown and what happens in each week physiologically and you better believe I know the exact number of weeks left. Is their not knowing a part of pregnancy amnesia? Or did the weeks just not matter to them? I wonder...

and 2) the number one conversation starter with people these days is "you look small" or "you look big" or "you look smaller than yesterday." Really people? Did none of ya'll ever notice when YOU were pregnant that clothes make a difference? I'm not sure why the size of the belly from day to day is such an interesting phenomenon, or why women with multiple children seem to forget that they didn't look 40 weeks pregnant from week 8 on either. Maybe I fixate on this one because I haven't come up with any perfectly quippy response. I'm open for suggestions since the only things I can think of are dripping with sass. Funny is one thing, and I'm all for it. But Joan Rivers sarcastic sass is just not attractive. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

32 and change

That's how the lady at the doctor's office always describes how far along I am. "Hmmm. let's see. So you are... 32 and change. Alrighty. Come over here and we'll check weight."
Every time. I don't know why I find it funny. Perhaps because I have this instant image pop into my head of her handing me a a few nickels, or at least a token I can use at Chuck-e-Cheese. Or maybe its funny because its ironically true and she doesn't know it. Change is perpetually upon me. After checking, in what happens next? I step on the scale to see exactly how much change has taken place since my last appointment. (These ladies are really nice. And tactful. Never have I heard the words "flubberbutt" come out of their mouths.) But it really is true. The craziest thing about pregnancy is the constant change. Just when you think you're hitting a stride, something changes. I cringe now when I find myself thinking "I could get used to this. I'm feeling pretty good about _________." because I know that some life/body/mind altering change is probably right on top of me. Like when my hips started cracking and I thought somebody had smacked my pelvis with a metal bat in the middle of the night and I started wincing with every step. Yeah, that came the day after I thought to myself, "wow, I haven't thrown up in like 3 weeks! This is a new pregnancy record for me! Finally, I get to enjoy being pregnant!!!" Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaa. Anyway. I'm starting to get hip to the fact that this change thing is the new normal - that life will probably never hit stagnate ever again. The problem with constant change is that I can never predict what will happen. That also means I can never totally prepare or psyche myself up. I can't anticipate. I can't make peace with my fate before it comes. I can't... in a word... control. I've been having crazy baby dreams about labor and deliver and breastfeeding. Lots of breastfeeding dreams, actually. (Could someone analyze that for me please?) And I think its just because my mind is on overload trying to figure out what on earth is happening and what it will all be like every day for the rest of my life. That would make any mind go crazy I think.
God has really been challenging me on my perpetual worrying. My anxious heart does not change the future. It actually does nothing more than raise my blood pressure. I've actually been thinking to myself a lot lately, "Bethany - do you think God doesn't know? Do you think he doesn't know you're scared to death to push this baby out? Do you think he doesn't know that you're afraid of being tired? Do you think he doesn't know when your daughter will get sick? Do you think he doesn't know that the closest pediatrician is in Lusaka? TRUTH in these situations is that he already knows, already cares and already has a plan - a perfect plan - for how these things are supposed to work together for my good, and the good of my daughter. God will never say the words "oops," "oh no," or "whoa, didn't see that one." And so I ask myself, WHAT THEN SHALL I FEAR? nothing. He already cares, and already has a perfect plan.

blessed assurance, Jesus is mine... 

  

Sunday, January 22, 2012

30 weeks, and crazy

I'm officially 30 weeks along in this pregnancy and for some reason, that sounds like a crazy number to me. 30? Really? Where did that come from! I was laying in bed last night pondering the fact that I am 3/4ths of the way finished carrying this baby and so much of the early days seems like a distant memory. Remember, Bethany, back in August and September and October when surviving the days was your number one goal? When you'd wake up in the middle of the night sick beyond belief, but starving at the same time and just crying, wanting the morning sickness to be over? Do you remember working out in the second trimester and hating Summer Sanders for telling you you should have energy when you still felt like a zombie? I feel like I started to enjoy being pregnant only recently and yet I'm amazed at how quickly my mind and my body can forget what was, not that long ago, quite tortuous. But now, here I am, with a belly to behold and movements inside of me that are totally unmistakeable as human, and this whole pregnancy thing doesn't seem that bad. Maybe its because when I feel discomfort now, I know its for her sake. Before it was just sickness for sickness sake and it was easy to resent that. But now that it feels like my hips are splitting in two and like someone whacked my pelvis with a bat, I feel no resentment because I know its not her fault and I love her too much to mind. I wonder if I'll feel any different about morning sickness the next time I'm pregnant, having felt this human and knowing that its for her? I don't think we intend to get pregnant again any time soon, but it is interesting how the heart and the mind and the body are so joined and how we really do do crazy things in the name of love.
So, I love you, baby girl. This has all been for you, to bring you here, and I'm so crazy in love with you that I'd do it all again. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

the start of the journey... well, sorta

Hi friends,
I've decided to blog. (Duh.) But let me explain why. I've become obsessed with mommy blogs recently. Jeremy walks into the room and I quickly minimize the page I'm looking at and he gives me that smile that says, "I approve of the fact that you are reading MORE mom-stuff, but really?" Yes, really. Its fun, its encouraging, its interesting, and a lot of these ladies are hilarious. But the thing that has stood out to me in quite a few of these blogs I've started "stalking" is that these women share a lot of details about their lives  that only their moms, sisters and bf's would really care about. A lot of them talk to or reference their moms directly, as if they are having a phone conversation, but via the blog. I think its sweet. And it occurred to me that perhaps I have some family and friends who might like to read all the randomness of my life too. How that doctors appointment went, the details of the birth story, what we did with this baby in our hut today and other things that will never make it into a Choshen newsletter or might seem too insignificant to send an e-mail out about. And so I want to start writing things down. For my sake, and perhaps for yours - whoever you are. And so here begins the journey... or rather, here continues the journey. I'm starting this at the start of my third trimester, which is 2/3rds of the way through the pregnancy and not even to day 1 of the mommy adventure. But things are starting to get "interesting" around here, so it seems appropriate to get on this ball before too much more happens.
And so that's what we'll do! OK blogworld, do your thang!