If anyone needs me, you can find me in the front yard replenishing
my vitamin D supply while I watch Bronwyn run barefoot and blow bubbles.
To say that we are excited to be outside again after
surviving the tundra months is an understantement. If you live in the North
East United States, I know you’re feelin’ me. Brutal, man. Brutal. I’m not
entirely sure how we made it through but I know every individual and family had
their own version of a battle plan.
I sure did. I prayed. And wept. And watched far too much
HGTV. I slid my way down the hill for church and one other weekly interaction
with humans. I flipped pages on the calendar. I jokingly harassed my husband in
Zambia for never wearing a shirt because it was “too hot.” I waged war against
SAD. I referred to my maternity leave as exile. I slept for nine hours a night.
I sang the hallelujah chorus when we broke freezing. I was unapologetically
melodramatic. I held on.
The one thing that made it all doable was the realization
that, for me, this was all temporary. Next December through April, the chitlins and I
will be religiously applying sunblock. We will not fear for the safety of our
ears in the two minutes it takes to get the mail. We will SEE THE NEIGHBORS
MORE THAN ONCE A FORTNIGHT.
Living in Zambia has shown me over and over that human
beings were never meant to live in isolation. The cold keeps Americans locked
away in ways that are unhealthy even for us introverts. And what I discovered
in this season of cold hibernation is that, unfortunately, no one feels the
sequester more than the stay at home moms.
I actually started to think of myself as a priosoner or war,
(or maybe a nut house patient,) as all the hours of all the days were filled with
imaginary play and the merging of my brain with that of my child. The days wore
on and on. I longed to send her outside to find nature-based entertainment, but
every time I opened the back door to chuck a poopy diaper into the garage, I
felt the bite and remembered just how much nature hated us.
I would like to see a correlated graph of winter temps and
wine consumption of NE housewives. Because had I not been pregnant… mmhm. A
local analgesic is exactly what I needed. I love one-on-one time with Bronwyn - I really do. I think she’s the greatest. She’s the short, blonde love of my life and I can’t
get enough of her.
But Zambia has ruined me. It’s all I’ve ever known in the
realm of mommy-hood, and I now see that I’ve been conditioned to be a very
specific kind of mother. My entire parenting strategy and my ability to invest
solid chunks of love and happy feelings into our home while still feeling like
a fully functional, sane adult, is completely dependent on this: the circus
showing up at our house every day to lend me a hand.
I’m a little ashamed to admit this because Bronwyn is surely
an amazing kid, but I maintain that I am a happy parent because I willingly
outsource 90% of the kiddie play to the other kiddies who never run out of
imagination and youthful nonsense.
This is our Zam-life. Every day, for all seasons. Including
“winter.” I could set my clock by the prompt morning arrival of short people at
my door. I live for this cycle because it is during the play time of the tinies
that I do absolutely anything I want to. I clean. I write. I prepare. I plan. I
do my job. I think grown up thoughts. I am mindful of what’s happening out
there – I know these kids lack certain “be careful” brain cells, so I am always
peripherally paying attention, but otherwise, I am FREE. It is the most
beautiful system ever and I still cannot fathom how the perennial Tundra Moms survive
without it.
But the US vs. ZM contrast gets worse. It is mid-May here and the tuplis and my belly
are both in full bloom and the sweet refrain of our days is “Hey girl! You wanna go
outside?” The fresh air is lifegiving indeed, but the SAD sticks with me in
some ways. I think I had an expectation that with the rising temps I’d start to
feel more Zambian – more at home. But there was one thing that I miscalculated.
Despite the return of the sun, we still don’t have a circus.
I shed a tear when I took this picture (true story).
All of
this wide-open space and a grand total of one
little person. In my former life, I would expect this hospitable land to be
occupied by no less than a hundred short and sweet humans. I mean, we have
BUBBLES here, so clearly this is the place to be. And yet, my kiddo is all by
herself.
She’s happy enough, gloriously flexible and low maintenece
that my child is, but my heart sinks a little knowing what it will take to give
her the gift of socialization: a play date. My Zambian nose wrinkles at every
mention of play dates. As much as I love them – oh, how do I say this without
sounding heinous – ok I confess, I just don’t. You see, the beauty of the
circus coming to my house to play is that I can then disappear and do my thing,
whereas with a play date, I’m still obligated to be present and attentive and
participate in the kid world. Sure I have another mom to talk to, and I do love
that! But it also means I get no ME time. No writing, no planning, no thinking of the
deep thoughts.
America has disrupted my rhythm. I have zero mojo. I have
not blogged since NOVEMBER because my braincells have gone to mush.
Dear Lord, get me back to the circus.
I will never again complain about excessive noise or over-crowding
in my living room and I willingly accept the consequence of a neighbor kids peeing on my floor every afternoon because it will mean friendship for my
children and precious freedom for me and that is worth all the golden eggs in the world.
And simultaneously, I’m so sorry, Tundra moms, that while I’m escaping
back to happy circus land, you are stuck here, and will endure again, and
again. I don’t even know what to say other than I will light candles for you. You are clearly on a higher latitude of
motherhood and have transcended to heights of enlightenment of which I can only dream. You
are strong and resilient, steady and amazing. I pray that you are the recipient
of random acts of kindness and that bouquets of flowers randomly appear on your
kitchen counter. I hope that when your tinies are grown and no longer needing
your constant entertainment and play-date-planning, that all the people will
rise and call you blessed.
I already am.
