Wednesday, February 8, 2012

32 and change

That's how the lady at the doctor's office always describes how far along I am. "Hmmm. let's see. So you are... 32 and change. Alrighty. Come over here and we'll check weight."
Every time. I don't know why I find it funny. Perhaps because I have this instant image pop into my head of her handing me a a few nickels, or at least a token I can use at Chuck-e-Cheese. Or maybe its funny because its ironically true and she doesn't know it. Change is perpetually upon me. After checking, in what happens next? I step on the scale to see exactly how much change has taken place since my last appointment. (These ladies are really nice. And tactful. Never have I heard the words "flubberbutt" come out of their mouths.) But it really is true. The craziest thing about pregnancy is the constant change. Just when you think you're hitting a stride, something changes. I cringe now when I find myself thinking "I could get used to this. I'm feeling pretty good about _________." because I know that some life/body/mind altering change is probably right on top of me. Like when my hips started cracking and I thought somebody had smacked my pelvis with a metal bat in the middle of the night and I started wincing with every step. Yeah, that came the day after I thought to myself, "wow, I haven't thrown up in like 3 weeks! This is a new pregnancy record for me! Finally, I get to enjoy being pregnant!!!" Haaaaaaaaaaaaahahaaa. Anyway. I'm starting to get hip to the fact that this change thing is the new normal - that life will probably never hit stagnate ever again. The problem with constant change is that I can never predict what will happen. That also means I can never totally prepare or psyche myself up. I can't anticipate. I can't make peace with my fate before it comes. I can't... in a word... control. I've been having crazy baby dreams about labor and deliver and breastfeeding. Lots of breastfeeding dreams, actually. (Could someone analyze that for me please?) And I think its just because my mind is on overload trying to figure out what on earth is happening and what it will all be like every day for the rest of my life. That would make any mind go crazy I think.
God has really been challenging me on my perpetual worrying. My anxious heart does not change the future. It actually does nothing more than raise my blood pressure. I've actually been thinking to myself a lot lately, "Bethany - do you think God doesn't know? Do you think he doesn't know you're scared to death to push this baby out? Do you think he doesn't know that you're afraid of being tired? Do you think he doesn't know when your daughter will get sick? Do you think he doesn't know that the closest pediatrician is in Lusaka? TRUTH in these situations is that he already knows, already cares and already has a plan - a perfect plan - for how these things are supposed to work together for my good, and the good of my daughter. God will never say the words "oops," "oh no," or "whoa, didn't see that one." And so I ask myself, WHAT THEN SHALL I FEAR? nothing. He already cares, and already has a perfect plan.

blessed assurance, Jesus is mine... 


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