Saturday, June 30, 2012

first fail

Just after Mom and Dad left us we went to our first pediatrician appointment with Bronwyn. Or at least, that’s what we thought we were doing. You see, for 7 months in America, people were asking us about her health and what our plan was, and we would always tell them, “oh, no worries, we have a wonderful pediatrician at the clinic in Lusaka where Jeremy and I go when we are sick. We totally trust them.” Yeah well… while we were in America, that pediatrician, our go-to in case of emergency person, moved back to the UK. When we got to the clinic, they told us of their change in staffing and that they had not replaced that post as of yet. We were ushered in to see a general doctor. And that’s when the tears started to flow. Not Bronwyn’s, mine. We asked about immunizations and what we should give our daughter and the doctor had NO IDEA what she needed and couldn’t wisely advise us either. When she pulled out a 2005 immunization handbook and said, “oh it says you can give her 3 or 4 Hepetitis B shots,” I looked at Jeremy and was  whispered, “I’m not ok with this. We need to leave.” I think the doctor must have thought that I just had some kind of intense allergy problem, but I couldn’t stop myself from crying. In an instant, I became so fearful, so unsure. We got back out to the car and the floodgates opened. I told Jeremy to take me home. I told him I couldn’t do this. I told him I was not going to jeopardize my daughter’s health for this country.

My faith tanked.

To make a long story short, we went home, I continued to have out my good cry, we talked, I cried some more, we slept on it, made some phone calls and began working on plan B. The truth is that this “glitch” that we have encountered is not a deal breaker for our being here. It is not an insurmountable challenge. But when my faith in God’s plan and his goodness wavers even a little I become a hot mess. Like, instantly. I wish that I did not have this characteristic. I wish I were unshakeable, strong through all circumstances. I know that motherhood here will provide me with countless opportunities to trust and obey and not let my fear get the better of me. But I share this failure with you so that you pray for me, that I would first have faith in what I know to be true about our Heavenly Father and not let circumstances dictate all.

But for all ya’ll who take your babies to snazzy doctors offices with toys in the waiting room and bright colors on the wall, take those people some brownies, because they are a true gift to you and your little ones. We miss this:

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